Introducing: The Laurima Project

Welcome to my first post and welcome to The Laurima Project! For a long time, I have wanted to share my own experiences of living with mental illness, in particular, some of the things that have helped me to cope along the way. Over the years, I have built up a toolbox of techniques and resources to support me, enabling me to get the most out of life, despite living with severe anxiety and other trauma symptoms that affect me daily. A huge part of this toolbox is my writing, poetry and drawing. I therefore came up with the idea of starting The Laurima Project: a place where I can share my work, connect with others and finally find my voice - something which has been distinctly lacking for most of my life. I hope that by sharing my thoughts and feelings around mental illness and the therapy process, I might also help other people, in similar circumstances, to feel less alone.

I have been in the mental health system for around eight years, and during this time I have accessed various treatments and interventions through the NHS and from charities, such as MIND. It was only when I started to see a private practitioner, however, that I began to feel as if there was hope of becoming well. That’s not to say other treatments haven’t had their place. I continue to take medication for my mental health, and I may have to continue with this for the rest of my life. I also have occasional input from the psychiatric team and my GP. I have found that a combined approach to managing mental illness works best for me, but I am confident that the main factor in helping me, is the private psychotherapy.

Finding out why I am the way I am has been a huge revelation to me. For most of my life I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me as a person; that I was inherently bad in some way. Discovering that I actually suffer from trauma symptoms, due to devastating experiences as a child, was the biggest eye-opener and has helped me begin to gain some level of self-acceptance. There are still times when I slip back into the old way of thinking about myself, but overall it is such a relief to know that I am normal for someone who has had the life experiences that I have.

During therapy, I have reconnected with a long-forgotten part of myself: the creative side of me. As a child, I always loved drawing, painting and writing stories, but was never allowed to be particularly creative, as everything had to be perfect! Only when I had my own children and saw their freedom to experiment and create, did I realise what I had missed out on. As I got older, I lost touch completely with the creative elements of my personality, as everyday life took over.

I am now learning how to be creative once again. I began writing poems purely by accident, as a way to help me manage the extreme emotions which therapy unlocked within me. Life was often unbearable and writing poems somehow made things a little easier. It was the only way I could articulate the pain I was in. I am also rediscovering an interest in drawing in a similar way. Sometimes there have been no words to express my pain, and this is where drawing has helped. I find it hugely therapeutic to draw out my pain. Little sketches, or cartoons also allow me to process what I have learnt in therapy. My child part also enjoys making pictures for my therapist. This is part of my healing process, being allowed to create something in order to connect with another person, and not worrying about whether the work is 'good enough'.

To round up this introductory post, I will share one of my earlier poems, which gives a little more insight into me as a person. It may not be one of my most groundbreaking works, but it does introduce me quite well. The poem is called ‘Who am I?’ and was written during my first course of NHS therapy, when I was struggling to make sense of everything and when I realised that I have never had a clear sense of identity before. Over the years, I am gradually learning who I am and The Laurima Project is another way for me to achieve this. I hope you enjoy the poem.

Who am I?

A mother

A wife

A teacher

A manager

A nobody

A patient

A mess

A fighter

A survivor

Lost, but gradually finding,

So much to discover.

I can like myself – it’s okay.

Forgiveness, healing, learning,

Exciting, scary, yearning,

For a part of me that has been lost

And suffered needlessly.

Written 31st August 2013

Copyright 2019 The Laurima Project

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